Donde Esta?

Have any of you ever had a ferret? You know, those long tube-like, semi-crazy little mustelids (not rodents, I checked. Google it!) that scurry around and have no chill? The ones that steal all of your stuff and have ALL the energy and sometimes bite you if they feel like it?

Well, I hate to have to inform you all, but Emmy has become a ferret.

Recently—like sometime in the last couple of weeks—she’s decided that one of the greatest things in the world is taking other peoples things and putting them in places that they would never think to look.

The other day Kayleigh and I were making dinner and Emerson was running around, doing what she does—being a nutcase and attacking the animals—what else? She then proceeded to grab Kayleigh’s stepdad’s flip-flops and made her way into the kitchen where we were slaving over the counter and stove, working hard to get food ready for her. She walked over to the oven, opened the drawer underneath, threw the flip-flops in, and walked away.

I was sitting there thinking, “What the f—, kid? Who do you think you are hiding other peoples things?” I kept that to myself, though, seeing as Emmy is only one and wouldn’t understand me anyway. Or care. She sure as shit wouldn’t care. The girl is basically a honey badger.

Anyways, she later came back and grabbed the flops, closed the drawer, reopened it, placed them back in, and repeated this a bunch of times. I thought she was either stuck in some weird loop in her head, bound to repeat the same action forever or, she had early onset Alzheimer’s, the earliest case ever, in fact, at 14 months.

The shit made me laugh at the time and still does now, but pretty soon here she’s going to start hiding things that she shouldn’t hide, like our keys or wallets, and we’re going to have no idea where in the hell they are!

We’ve found socks in our bathrooms drawers, the remote in a magazine rack, shoes placed pretty much everywhere, toys in random ass places, and she’s tossed things she shouldn’t into the toilet. This crazy little baby is acting like a ferret and I do not know why! Who gave her permission to just take our things and put them wherever she sees fit? Whose baby is this? Surely not my kid seeing as I have always been a perfect angel. AMEN.

I think I already mentioned in my last post how hyper and crazy she is, but damn, now she’s got to add taking and hiding our sh— to the list? What I’m really trying to say is that our baby is cool as hell but insane. We love her, but she’s pushing her luck! She’s hyper, a klepto, and brilliant at hiding stuff. She’d be perfect to have with us if this world ever goes to hell and we need to keep moving, steal, and stash for survival, but for now, it’s a pain. Can’t she save it until AFTER the asshat running this country starts an all-out war?

Meh. Oh, and she does bite too, by the way. She bit the heck out of Kayleigh’s finger at the grocery store the other day. Basically had to pry the little animal off with all of our strength. She’s going to be that kid that gets sent home from preschool for vamping the hell out of another child.

This is my life.

Help me.


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